Saturday, April 25, 2009

Day 10 and 11

Wednesday was day 10- shoulders and arms with ab ripper x. I got me some ten-pound weights last week so that this workout would feel like a bit more of a challenge, and let me just say- it definitely was! Increasing the weight definitely increased the hurt, and then to top off a hard workout with ab ripper x was difficult, but I pushed through as best as I could! I'm already having to take less breaks and am able to do more and more of the exercises in the set. I'm not "cheating" as often. I decided this week that I have a very low tolerance for pain and that this is causing me to not do the best that I can do. Well, no more of that. If I really want this- REALLY want this- then I'm just going to have to suck it up and get moving! Stop cheating! Start pushing!

I had a big wake up call yesterday... I went shopping for clothes for the first time since August 2008. What a big difference nine months can make. What a big difference a couple years can make! The day after I turned 17 (two and a half years ago), I went shopping and bought a pair of jeans from American Eagle. They were size 10. I thought I was huge and felt awful about the way I looked. I was so wrong. I've been looking back at pictures of myself from then- and even just summers 2007 and 2008- and I really looked awesome. I didn't appreciate the way I looked because I wasn't a super-skinny stick like many of the girls I went to HS with. But was I didn't realize was that being curvy is NORMAL and healthy. Being curvy at that size was ok, even great! Looking back, I feel like an idiot because I didn't treasure what I had until I had lost it. I went back into American Eagle yesterday to buy some new pants- size 14. HOW did I let that happen??? And worse... those size 10 pants that I bought when I was 17 still fit last summer. Nine months ago. I increased from a 10 to a 14 in less than nine months? Are you kidding me??? What have I done to myself? I'm better than this, gosh dangit! I've been looking at the pictures- I have SOLID PROOF that I am better than this. I have SOLID PROOF of what I can be! Don't I deserve better than what I've given myself? I demand respect from everyone else but do I demand it from myself??? Ultimate question of the day. (The top picture is me now... the bottom picture is me a year ago.)

Ok... back on track. Thursday was yoga day! Since it's a longer workout, it's harder for me to fit it in, but I did it! (at 9:30 at night... which means I didn't finish until 11, but sacrifices are necessary, body!) It wasn't such a great day for eating, though. I had a McFlurry! Argh! Once again, I ask: why don't I demand respect for myself from myself??? This stops now, I tell you!!!!

Kind of ironic... but yesterday's shopping trip that left me oh-so-depressed got in the way of my routine, and I didn't have a chance to do it. Excuses, excuses. I guess today I'm going to have to double up. It's legs & back, ab ripper x, and then kenpo. Shouldn't be too bad... we'll see after the first workout. I guess I could skip "rest day" tomorrow and do the kenpo then. That might be a better option... hmm... we'll just see how things play out. :)

Ok... ultimately... I think I just need to get rid of the bad thoughts and focus on the program. If I can keep up with it every single day, I will be so proud of myself. That's really an accomplishment. If I want to see a change, then I will have to make the change within my life. It's not going to just happen. I need to shove that change into my life and make it my priority. I need to make myself the priority instead of making these selfish bodily desires the priority. It's something I can do. Look at all the things that I have accomplished in my life!!! WHY in the world am I letting THIS defeat me? I've never let ANYTHING defeat me! Why am I letting food and my emotions control me? No more.

It's time to make the change.

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